Depression, anxiety, and fears...

I know what you are thinking, depression? How can someone living in the happiest place on Earth be depressed? It's easy. I just up and moved my life 23+ hours away from home, away from every single thing I have ever known. and for what? To spend 9 months making magic happen for other people. Don't get me wrong, some days I am having the time of my life. But then there are days like today where I just want to sit on the floor of our shower and sob. It's a constant roller coaster of ups and downs...and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. 

I feel alone, in saying this, but I know that there are probably dozens of you feeling the same way I do. But I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it, because everyone keeps expecting me to be sooo happy with all the things I have going for me while I am down here...It's crazy. I can't even believe that I am not entirely happy. But I know it's possible, judging by the amount of CPs that have already self-termed. 

What an interesting word self-term. It's Disney speak for 'I quit' ... I don't think I could ever do this, unless something really bad was happening at home. No matter how alone in this I am feeling right now I know that the minute my plane landed back in New York I would regret it. I didn't come here to regret anything I have done, so I can't leave knowing that I will feel that way when I get home. 

I am so anxious about screwing up though, no matter what the reason. It's constantly in the back of my mind now. Always asking myself if I am following the rules, or doing something the right way, the wrong way, and any other way possible. So much is lost in translation when you are being trained by 4 different trainers that you are rarely ever sure if you are doing something the "right way" or the "Disney way" and it's driving me nuts. At my previous/current job back home there was only one uniform way to do things and one trainer...but here in the course of my training I trained with 4-6 different trainers, sometimes that was more than one in a single day. Crazy. So I am never entirely sure if I am doing something right or wrong. But I make it work I guess. 

I am so afraid of getting termed, or self-terming, or screwing up, or anything involving getting in trouble. It's making me more depressed just to think about it.

So recently my dog, Lucky, was hit by a car back home. He's doing okay, but just the thought that MY dog is home suffering and I am NOT there is killing me. Had anything serious happened to him I would have been packing my bags as soon as I found out. It's killing me inside that I am not there for him right now. 

It's just been a rough  couple of days, but the grass always gets greener right?...right?

Kayla.